Grahame N's Web Pages


A Merry Christmas & A Happy New Year


A music choice! Click on the tune you want to hear whilst you read these dreadful Christmas Cracker jokes:-

Silent Night ...... Hark the Herald Angels Sing ....... The First Noel ...... Oh Christmas Tree ...... Auld Lang Syne

Once In Royal David's City ....... Good King Wenceslas ....... O Come All Ye Faithfull ....... Away In A Manger

( If the Christmas tree stops twinkling when you start the music, just click 'Refresh'; and
if the 'new look' Windows Media player fills your whole screen, just click its 'Minimise' button;
to retain the text using other mediaplayers, it may be necessary to right click and select 'Open new window'))


 

Christmas Cracker
Jokes

 

What outlaw lives at the bottom of the sea ? ....................................................... Billy the Squid

Why did the spaceman go to the optician ? .......................................................... Because he had stars in his eyes

Why did the boy take a hammer to school at the end of term ? .......................... Because it was breaking up day

What do you call a teacher with earplugs ? .......................................................... Anything you like

What do snowmen eat for breakfast ? ................................................................... Snowflakes

Why did the turkey cross the road ? ...................................................................... To show he wasn't chicken

Why did the turkey join the band ? ........................................................................ He had the drumsticks

What kind of sausages do vampires like best ? ..................................................... Fang-furters

What's the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ? ........................................... Your teeth

Where do mermaids go to see the movies ? ......................................................... At a 'dive-in'

What is at the end of everything ? ........................................................................ The letter 'G'

What do monkeys sing at Christmas ? .................................................................. Jungle Bells

Who invented fire ? ................................................................................................ Oh, some bright spark

How did the glow worm feel when someone trod on it ? ........................................ De-lighted

What's black and white and red at the top ? .......................................................... A sunburnt puffin

What did the sea say to the beach ? ...................................................................... Nothing it just waved

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses to school ? ................................................. Because her pupils were so bright

Where do geologists go for entertainement ? ....................................................... To a rock concert

How do you start a bear race? ............................................................................... Ready, Teddy, go

What's a horse's favourite game? ......................................................................... Stable tennis

Judge: "I sentence you to 50 years in prison!". Prisoner:"But I'll never live that long". Judge:"Well do what you can".

Tuner: "I've come to tune your piano". Ma Smith: "But I didn't send for you". Tuner: "No, your neighbours did"

What will they do when the Forth Bridge collapses ? ........................................... Build a fifth bridge

What did the great explorer eat in the jungle ? .................................................... Steak and pygmy pie

What is green and hairy and wears sunglasses ? ................................................. A gooseberry on holiday

What is yellow and writes poetry ? ....................................................................... A ballpoint banana

What are brown and sneak around the kitchen at Christmas ? ........................... Mince spies

What cake flies through the air and comes back again ? ..................................... A boomeringue

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a garden hose ? ........................... A jumbo jet

Why did the orange go to the doctor ? ................................................................... It wasn't peeling too well

What do you give a seasick monster ? ................................................................... Plenty of room

Why do swallows fly to Africa for the winter ? ....................................................... It's too far to walk

What sits in custard looking cross ? ....................................................................... Apple grumble

What can't be untied ? ............................................................................................. A rainbow

Where does Dracula stay in New York ? ............................................................... The Vampire State Building

What is pink, wobbly and flies ? ............................................................................. A jellycopter

What do you call a chicken wearing a shell suit ? ................................................. An egg

What is the easiest way to hire a horse ? .............................................................. Stand it on four bricks

What has eyes but can't see ? ............................................................................... A potato

What looks after spooks on aircraft ? ....................................................................Air ghostesses

What do you call a man who's been buried in a bog for twenty years ? .............. Pete

What did the astronaut find in his stocking at Christmas ? ..................................Missile-toe

Who never minds being interupted in the middle of a sentence ? ........................A convict

What do you give an injured lemon ? .....................................................................Lemonade

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards .............................................................I'll deal with you later

Doctor, doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me ....................................................... Next please!

Doctor, I've got a bucket on my head .................................................................. I thought you looked a little pale

Dan: "My wife's gone to the West Indies" ............ Stan: "Jamaica" ............ Dan: "No it was her idea"

What goes Croak! Croak! when it's misty ? .......................................................... A froghorn

Where do ghosts get their jokes ? ..........................................................................They have a crypt writer

Judge: "Have you been up before me before?" ..... Thief: "I don't know, what time do you get up?"

Did you ever say a prayer before dinner? ............ No, there's no need, my mum's a very good cook.

What do you call a sheep with a machine gun? .......................................................Lambo

Did you hear about the two burglars who crashed their get-away car into a cement mixer ?
- the police are looking for two hardened criminals.

2005

How did the human cannonball lose his job ? .......................................................... He got fired.

How do snails keep their shells shiny ? .................................................................. They use snail varnish

Where do snowmen go to dance ? ............................................................................ A snowball

What can you serve but never eat ? ........................................................................ A tennis ball

How do you make gold soup ? ................................................................................. Put 18 carrots in it

Where does a dog go when he loses his tail ? ......................................................... To a re-tailer

What's worse than raining cats and dogs ? ............................................................. Hailing taxis

Where do snooker players go for a drink ? ............................................................ Potters Bar

How did you find your steak sir ? ............................................................................ I moved this chip aside and there it was

What is grey and lights up at night ? ....................................................................... An electric elephant

What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch ? ............................................. Chicken Spocks

Which members of an orchestra can't you trust ? .................................................. The fiddlers

Where do tadpoles go to change into frogs ? ......................................................... The croakroom

2006

Why did the teacher call both her sons Ed? ....................................................... Because she thought two Eds were better than one.

Why did the pilot land his plane on a house? ..................................................... Because the landing lights were on.

What do you get after its been taken? ............................................................... Your photograph

What does an ocean say when it sees the coast? ............................................... Nothing, it just waves

What do you get from nervous cows? .................................................................. Milk shakes

Which dog is the most expensive of all? ............................................................. A deer hound

Who can shave three times a day and still have a beard? ................................. A barber

Arthur, did you take a bath this morning? .......................................................... Why is there one missing?

How do hens dance? ............................................................................................. Chick to chick

What has a bottom at the top? ............................................................................. A leg

Why did the nurse creep into the cupboard? ....................................................... So as not to wake the sleeping pills

What has a neck but no head? ............................................................................. A bottle

How do you start a pudding race? ........................................................................ Sago

What do you call just married spiders? ............................................................... Newly webs

What's the best day for making eggs and bacon? ............................................... Friday / (Fryday)

What goes tick-tock-woof? ................................................................................... A watch dog

Where does Friday come before Thursday? ........................................................ In the dictionary

How does Jack Frost get to work? ....................................................................... By icicle

What do you do with a sick budgie? .................................................................... Give him tweetment

How do you get rid of a boomerang? ................................................................... Throw it down a one way street

When is a boat like a pile of snow? ..................................................................... When it's adrift

Why don't elephants like penquins? .................................................................... They can't get the wrappers off

Why can't elephants make love under water? ..................................................... They can't get their trunks off

What is yellow and very dangerous? .................................................................... Shark infested custard

2007

Where should a dressmaker build her house? .................................................... On the outskirts

What does the headless horseman ride? ............................................................. A nightmare

Why didn't the skeleton go to the New Year's Eve party? ................................ He had no body to go with

What do you call a man who comes through your letterbox? ............................. Bill

How do you send a baby astronaut to sleep? ...................................................... Rocket

A shopping mall thief was chased off by a sales assistant using a stock labelling machine ..
- the police are looking for a man with a price on his head

What's the difference between a fish and a piano .............................................. You can't tuna fish

Why are school cooks so cruel ............................................................................ They batter fish and beat eggs

Why do cows lay down in the rain ........................................................................ To keep each udder dry

What do you call a train loaded with toffee ......................................................... A chew chew train

Why do swimming teachers like elephants .......................................................... They always bring their trunks

Where is the easiest place to find diamonds ........................................................ In a pack of cards

What do you give a sick snake ............................................................................ Asp-rin

Why don't ducks tell jokes when they're flying ................................................... Because they would quack up

How many ears has Captain Kirk got ................................................................. Three - his left ear, his right ear and the final frontier

Why did Cinderella get dropped from the football team ..................................... She ran away from the ball

What is Dracula's least favourite meal ................................................................ A steak

What is the opposite of minimum ........................................................................ Minidad

If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ...................................... Slippers

2008

What must you know to be an auctioneer? ....................................................... Lots

What does the word minimum mean? .............................................................. A very small mother

What did the beaver say to the tree? ............................................................... Nice gnawing you

What has a bed but doesn't sleep; and a mouth but doesn't speak? ............... A river

How did the human cannonball lose his job? .................................................... He got fired

What are the wettest animals in the world? ..................................................... Reindeer

Why did the golfer wear an extra pair of trousers? .......................................... In case he got a hole in one

What did the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday? .................... Freeze a jolly good fellow

What did the lightbulb say to the other? ............................................................ I'm going out tonight

What is red and black, red and black, red and black? ...................................... A zebra with sunburn

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? ............................................................. I'll tell you later

Who is the most famous married woman in America? ..................................... Mrs Sippi

2009

What doesn't get any wetter, no matter how much rain falls on it? ............... Water

Why did the lady throw her clock out of the window? ..................................... She wanted to see time fly

What do ghosts serve for dessert? .................................................................. I scream

What did the sick vampire say to the doctor? ................................................. I've been coffin all day

What are two things you can't have for breakfast? ......................................... Lunch and dinner

Why was six afraid of seven? ........................................................................... Because seven eight nine

What's round and bad tempered? .................................................................... A vicious circle

What can you hold without ever touching it? .................................................. A conversation

Doctor, doctor. I keep thinking there is two of me ......................................... One at a time please

What do you call a sleeping bull? .................................................................... A bulldozer

What sort of television programmes do ducks like? ...................................... Duckumtaries

How do you save meatballs from drowning? ...............//................................. Put them in gravy boats

2010

What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas? ............................................. A ladder in her stocking

Why did the witch put her broom in the washing machine? ............................ She wanted to have a clean sweep

Why has the milking stool only got two legs? ................................................ The cow has the udder one

Why did the jockey take his saddle to bed? .................................................. In case he had nightmares

What clothes do lawyers wear in court? ........................................................ Lawsuits

Why do barbers make good drivers? ............................................................ They know all the short cuts

What is the fastest fish in the world? .............................................................. A motor pike

How do you make an apple puff? ................................................................. Chase it around the garden a few times

Which bear is white and smells of peppermints? ............................................ A polo bear

What has 22 legs and 2 wings but cannot fly? ............................................... A football team

2011

Why can't you play poker in Africa ? .......................................................... Because there are too many cheetahs

What do you get every year on your birthday ? ........................................... A year older

Why hasn't anyone ever stolen a canal ? ..................................................... They have too many locks

Policeman: "Sorry son, you'll need a permit to fish here." - Harry: "No thanks, I'm doing pretty well with a worm"

Why is the school football pitch always so soggy ? ..................................... Because the players are always dribbling

What type of car does a lady in a pantomime drive ? .................................. A Dame-ler

Where do fish get their petrol ? .................................................................. Shell

Do you know the joke about the butter ? ................................................... I'm not telling you because you'll spread it around

Where do sick gnomes go ? ...................................................................... To the Elf centre

What do you get if you cross a skeleton with a detective ? ......................... Sherlock Bones

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert ? ..................................... Lost

What do elves learn in school ? ................................................................. The elf-abet

What did the guests sing at the Eskimo's Christmas party ? ........................ Freeze a jolly good fellow

What do snowmen eat for lunch ? ............................................................. Iceburgers

What do you give a train driver for Christmas ? ......................................... Platform shoes (or as a friend suggested - a tender behind ...)

2012

What did the grape do when it got stepped on ? ......................................... It let out a little wine

What do you give a man who has everything ? ........................................... Antibiotics

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas ? ....................................... Deep and crisp and even

What do you call a mischievous egg ? .......................................................... A practical yoker

Why did the baker get an electric shock ? ................................................... He touched a bun and a currant ran up his arm

What did one eye say to the other ? ............................................................ Between you and me something smells

Why do pens get sent to prison ? ................................................................ To do long sentences

What's round and bad tempered ? .............................................................. A vicious circle

What did the snowman say to the other snowman ? .................................... Can you smell carrots ?

Dad, there is a man at the door collecting for the new swimming pool .......... Give him a glass of water

Why do birds fly south in the winter ? ......................................................... Because it's too far to walk

What is "out of bounds" ? .......................................................................... An exhausted kangeroo

How did the telephones get married ? ........................................................ In a double ring ceremony

Why did the jockey take his saddle to bed ? ............................................... In case he had nightmares

What do you get if you cross a stereo with a refrigerator ? .......................... Cool music

2013

Why is a horse like a cricket match ? ........................................................... Because they get stopped by the rein

What lies at the bottom of the sea quivering ? ............................................. A nervous wreck

Where do you take a sick horse ? ................................................................ Horse-pital

What lies at the bottom of the sea and wobbles ? ....................................... A jelly baby

Why are ghosts so bad at lying ? ................................................................. You can see right through them

What is an underground train full of professors called ? ............................. A tube of smarties

What type of room has no windows or doors ? ............................................. A mushroom

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back ? ........................... A stick

What did Cinderella say when the chemist lost her photos ? ....................... Someday my prints will come

What can Santa give away and still keep ? ................................................... A cold

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper ? ................ Ribbon hood

Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners most ? ..................... "Rude" olph

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace ? ........................................... He wanted to sleep like a log

What is Santa's wife called ? .......................................................................... Mary Christmas

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ? ...... Santa Claustrophobia

What did baby corn say to mummy corn ? ..................................................... Where's popcorn

How do snowmen get around ? ...................................................................... They ride an icicle

What sort of sentence would get if you broke the law of gravity ? .............. A suspended one

What do you get if you cross a hen with an alarm clock ? ........................... An alarm cluck

What do yiou call a polar bear wearing earmuffs ? ..................................... Anything you want. He can't hear you

How do witches tell the tiime ? ..................................................................... With a witch-watch

How do monkeys make toast ? ..................................................................... Stick some bread under the gorilla

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas ? ..................................................... A mince spy

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations ? ................................... Tinsilitis

Why did the tightrope walker visit his bank ? ............................................. To check his balance

What do you get if yo cross a snowman with a shark ? .............................. Frost bite

Who delivers cat's Christmas presents ? .................................................... Santa Paws

What kind of paper likes music ? ................................................................ Rapping paper

Why did the elephants leave the circus ? ................................................... They were tired of working for peanuts

2014

What does a frog do when his car breaks down ? ..................................... He gets it toad away

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas Tree ? ............... A Pine-apple

What does a clock do when it's hungry ? ................................................... It goes back 4 seconds

Who delivers presents to baby sharks ? .................................................... Santa Jaws

When is a boat like a pile of snow ? ........................................................... When it's adrift

What did the policeman say to his stomach ? ............................................ You're under a vest

What do you call someone who makes clothes for rabbits ? ...................... A Hare Dresser

Why was Cinderella no good at football ? ................................................... Because her coach was a pumpkin

How do sheep greet each other at Christmas ? ........................................... A Merry Christmas to ewe

What is the biggest ant ? .............................................................................. An elephant

Where do cows go on a Saturday ? .............................................................. The moo-vies

What do you call an Eskimo cow ? .............................................................. An Eskimoo!

Why was the computer so tired ? ................................................................ Because it had a hard drive

What do you get if you team Santa with a detective ? ................................ Santa Clues

Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory ? ......................... Because he couldn't concentrate

2015

What can go up a chimney down but can't go down a chimney up ? ................ An umbrella

Who beats his chest and swings from christmas cake to Christmas cake ? .... Tarzipan

What kind of sandals do frogs wear ? ............................................................... Open-toed

How do you start a polar-bear race ? ............................................................... Say 'Ready! Teddy! Go!'

Which animal should you not play cards with ? ............................................... A cheetah!

What did the scarf say to the hat ? ................................................................... I'll hang around here and you go on ahead

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in the chimney ? .......................Claus-trophobia

What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave ? ........................ He gives them the sack!

What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar ? ........................... He got 25 days!

2016

Why does Santa have three gardens ? ................................................... So he can 'Ho Ho Ho'

What do you call a three legged donkey ? ............................................. A wonkey

What sort of ball doesn't bounce ? ......................................................... A snowball

What did the fish say when it swan into a wall ? ..................................... Dam

How will Christmas Dinner be different after Brexit .............................. No Brussels !

What do you call Santa's little helpers ? ................................................. Subordinate clauses !

What's white and goes up ? ..................................................................... A confused snowflake

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor ? ................................................ Because he had low 'elf' esteem !

Where do ghosts go swimming ? ............................................................ The Dead Sea

In what country will you not find a vegetarian ? ..................................... Turkey

Why did the dougnut maker sell his shop ? ............................................ He got fed up with the hole business

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk ? ............................... Jingle smells

What type of dog has no tail ? ................................................................ A hotdog

What do you call a little lobster who won't share his presents ? ........... Shell-fish

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride ? ............................................. A Holly Davidson

What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of wool ? ................ It had mittens

2017

What is Claustrophobia ? ..................................................................... Fear of Father Christmas

What do you call Santa's little helpers ? ............................................. Subordinate clauses !

Why was 6 afraid of 7 ? ........................................................................ Because 7 8 9 !

(Not so many new ones this year, many, many duplicates!)


Look out! More cracker jokes being added as they come to hand - aaaaaaarrrrrrrhhhhh - well it only happens once a year!
More jokes per year means I've beeen to more Christmas dinners!!
Hopefully the repeats are now deleted! More contributions always welcome! Grahame N.


 


Goto: .................................. XMAS PAGE ................. XMAS RECIPES ............... MAIN MENU


Last updated: 09 December 2017 .......................... xmasj.htm ............................. Grahame Newnham's Web Pages
09Dec2013 A few more jokes added / a couple of duplicates deleted 20-25Dec2013 Few more jokes added
07/21Dec2014 - Four + two new jokes added - Christmas festivities have begun! / 28Dec2014 - 2or 3 more cracker jokes added
23Dec2016 - six or more new jokes added! Just two more lunches with crackers to look forward to now!
05Dec2017 - beginning to add jokes for 2017 - one Christmas meal so far!