THE JOKES PAGE
After an incident in Croydon involving a
prison van and a concrete mixer, police are looking for 18
hardened criminals - The Two Ronnies
Wife to friend: "That new water bed
ruined our marriage - we just drifted apart"
Sign outside pharmacy: "Here we dispense
Husband to wife: "I'm just off to the pub
- pop your coat on"
Wife: "Oh, great - are you taking me with you"
Husband: "No, I'm turning the heating off to save on the
She: "I'm getting a part-time job as a
He: "Do they give you any training?"
She: "No, it seems you just pick it up as you go
A man went to the Jewish doctor - after a full
examination the doctor said "You're very ill, my boy - I'll
give you six months to live. (My fee is $100)". The man said
"Oh dear and I'll never get the money to pay you".
"Suppose I give you twelve months?" replied the doctor.
A cabbie picks up a nun. she gets into the taxi
and the cabbie won't stop staring at her, so she asks what the
matter is. The cabbie says: "It's a bit embarrassing, but I
have always had a fantasy to kiss a nun." The nun says:
"I'll kiss you, if you are single and a Catholic." The
cabbie says he is, and pulls over; the nun gives him a kiss that
would make a hooker blush. Afterwards the cabbuie tells her:
"I have a confession to make, I'm married, and I'm actually
Jewish." To which the nun replies;"I've got a
confession too - my name's actually Stanley and I'm on my way to
a fancy dress party." (12Oct2015)
Notice on butcher's window: "Apology to
customers: The new apprentice backed onto the mincer this
morning, so we are getting a little behind with our orders."
Client to hairdresser: "Can you do a
miracle?" - Hairdresser: "Darling, I'm not a real
Did you hear the one about the director of an
Origami School - yes, you've guessed it - his business has
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got
some good news and some bad news" God said. Adam looked at
God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you.
One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent,
create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.
The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow
you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this
planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to
give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed,
"These are great gifts you have given to me. What could
possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked
upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that
when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one
of these organs at a time."
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The
old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son,
it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my
last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the
entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold
the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten
cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and
sold them by 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a
month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
A man walked into a bar carrying a pair of car
jump leads - the barman said "I hope you're not going to
start anything in here".
The barman asked the fellow about his dog - the man explained
- "my dog was born with no legs but although it's sad I like
to keep him." "What's your dog's name" asked the
barman. "Oh, I haven't given him a name - it's a waste of
time - he never comes when you call him!"
"I like to have a Martini, two at the
most, after three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my
host" - Dorothy Parker quote
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Created Jan2000 ............ Last updated 24 March 2017 ..............
ejokes.htm ................. ©MMXVGrahame .L. Newnham