THE JOKES PAGE


After an incident in Croydon involving a prison van and a concrete mixer, police are looking for 18 hardened criminals - The Two Ronnies


Wife to friend: "That new water bed ruined our marriage - we just drifted apart"


Sign outside pharmacy: "Here we dispense with accuracy"


Husband to wife: "I'm just off to the pub - pop your coat on"
Wife: "Oh, great - are you taking me with you"
Husband: "No, I'm turning the heating off to save on the heating bill"


She: "I'm getting a part-time job as a litter collector"
He: "Do they give you any training?"
She: "No, it seems you just pick it up as you go along."


A man went to the Jewish doctor - after a full examination the doctor said "You're very ill, my boy - I'll give you six months to live. (My fee is $100)". The man said "Oh dear and I'll never get the money to pay you". "Suppose I give you twelve months?" replied the doctor.


A cabbie picks up a nun. she gets into the taxi and the cabbie won't stop staring at her, so she asks what the matter is. The cabbie says: "It's a bit embarrassing, but I have always had a fantasy to kiss a nun." The nun says: "I'll kiss you, if you are single and a Catholic." The cabbie says he is, and pulls over; the nun gives him a kiss that would make a hooker blush. Afterwards the cabbuie tells her: "I have a confession to make, I'm married, and I'm actually Jewish." To which the nun replies;"I've got a confession too - my name's actually Stanley and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party." (12Oct2015)


Notice on butcher's window: "Apology to customers: The new apprentice backed onto the mincer this morning, so we are getting a little behind with our orders."


Client to hairdresser: "Can you do a miracle?" - Hairdresser: "Darling, I'm not a real fairy."


Did you hear the one about the director of an Origami School - yes, you've guessed it - his business has folded.


One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news" God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."


A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them by 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."


A man walked into a bar carrying a pair of car jump leads - the barman said "I hope you're not going to start anything in here".


The barman asked the fellow about his dog - the man explained - "my dog was born with no legs but although it's sad I like to keep him." "What's your dog's name" asked the barman. "Oh, I haven't given him a name - it's a waste of time - he never comes when you call him!"


"I like to have a Martini, two at the most, after three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host" - Dorothy Parker quote


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Created Jan2000 ............ Last updated 24 March 2017 .............. ejokes.htm ................. ©MMXVGrahame .L. Newnham